Shadow and Light

In the shadows, far away,

You’ll have your turn, you’ll have your say.

For in the sun, under the light,

You need to run, you need to hide.

Not because you are wrong, not because you are despised,

Not because you are the devil, or an unrelenting vice.

Not because you are the reflection that everyone derides,

Not because you are the voice that rebukes, that chides.

You need to flee, to stay out of sight,

To stay in the shadows, away from the light.

For no fault of yours, you need to withhold.

For you are the Truth, the secret untold.

Dichotomy of thoughts

There comes a day, when the sun fades out,

When you need to choose, between a scream and a shout.

Then there are times, when the moon shines bright,

When the world glows with love, in the enchanting light. . .

Life’s not always a joyride, not always a battle,

At times, it’s just a trade-off, between the Angels and the Cartel.

So just go with the flow, and wait for the time,

When you get to choose your victories, your losses, your crime.

Because we are all guilty, of one sin or the other,

We each have our evil, that we feed and smother.

Like Shadow and sun, we recede or throttle,

Memories in the sky, Nostalgia in a bottle.

Fact and Fiction

"Hey there."

"You came! I almost thought you wouldn't..."

"Well, You know I can't NOT come when you ask me to."
"But the last time..."

"...Things ended on a sad note, and you said you wouldn't think of me ever again. Yes, I remember. I go back to that moment every minute, every second of my existence. It’s like my life paused in that one moment."
"There is a reason why I said what I said. Neither of us wanted the same things, and it was just driving me crazy."

"You are wrong about one thing though, it was never MY needs that got in the way. It couldn't have been."

“You know what I mean. And if you want me to say it out loud, fine I will. Yes I was being selfish. And I probably still am. That’s why I wanted to see you this one last time before...”

“Go on say it, I am not gonna complete every sentence for you. At least not this one.”

*whispers* “Before I give up on you. For now and forever.”

“Now let me say what you called me for. For what you want to hear from me.

I AM what keeps you rooted.

I AM what makes you who you are.

Without me, you are lost, not the same person. You can’t take a step without me by your side, not take a decision without consulting me first.

You think I am your weakness, when the truth is that I am your biggest strength.

In the last two months, you never reached out to me, despite wanting to, not once, but many times.

 I know how much efforts you had to make to avoid me, to avoid thinking about me; To NOT call me in the middle of the night.

And has that helped you? No!

 In the last two months, you have been driving yourself like a machine! Not a minute’s pause, not a second’s break. You have been avoiding everything and everyone.

You have adopted this persona, this farce of a personality. Someone you think you are happy being, but that is actually just a fragment of who you really are.

You’ve been running away from everything. As if by avoiding reality is the only way you can avoid me.”

“It’s so easy for you say all these things. Do you have any idea what I have been through over these two months?

When I knew that calling you is no longer an option? When I knew that I can’t reach out to you when I needed the comfort of familiarity?

Over the years, reaching out to you has become an instinct. You say you keep me rooted, that’s an understatement. You were the only one I can rely on blindly.

But with things changing the way they were, I cannot continue doing that.

I can’t rely on you to be my knight everytime I am stuck in a sticky situation, not with you not wanting me to do that.

It’s unhealthy of me to do that, when there is nothing that binds us together in front of the world. Hell you don’t even want people to know that we talk the way we talk. Or that we connect the way we do. Or that we share this bond, that defies all logic”

“There is a reason behind why we cannot be together right now. You have to first get to know who you really are, and what you are capable of. It’s tough for me to be around you when you doubt your own capabilities. Because that leads to you doubting me, and that is not something I can live with.

I know I have been non-committal towards you all the time, but that’s only because committing right now, would in a way be me holding you back. And that’s not what you deserve.

I don’t want you to ever feel that you had to give up on your dreams, your ambitions to be with me, because I know if you had been in my place, you would have wanted the same for me.

So, go pursue your dreams, be where you have to be right now. And when you are done with it, we’ll discuss US then.”

“And what if I change? What if I find my strength someplace else? Worse, in someone else?

Would you be happy to see me at a point in life, where you are nothing but a person I once knew?”

“Understand one thing, that’s what you are afraid of. Not me. I know you better than you think I do. You are not someone who will change for the worse, who will let go off reality and do a 360 on everything and everyone.

Also, since you want me to think that way, if that happens, I will probably not exist anymore. Not because I will do something to myself, you know I can’t and won’t do that.

 But I have a feeling that the only way I can lose you, is if I lose myself. As long as I continue to be who I have always been, you will never ever forget me.

Remember, like you’ve always said, if it’s meant to be, we’ll find a way to be together.

Destiny has always played a very vital role in our lives, forcing us to cross paths, when we least expected it.  

So I will let the Almightly play out whatever story He has written for us, and I will never stop answering your call. And someday, oneday, you will be where you want to be, and I will be there by your side.

In that hope, I rest my case.”

“It’s almost time, I don’t think I can stay longer.

Will I ever get to see you again?”

“Only you can answer that.”

“In that case, when will I see you again?”

"Whenever you need me, I will be right here.

In your mind; in your imagination.

All you need to do is to think of me."

And the wind that blew him away, was the wind she let go off…

With that the spell was broken, and so was the dream she couldn’t let go off.

“If by holding my breath, and closing my eyes,

Is the only way I can have you by my side,

I know this is not the place for me,

I know this this life is not right.

Yet I will not lose hope,

And I will never give up this fight.

Because I  will forever yearn to be where you are,

Day after dawn, and dusk before night.”

My Unfinished Business

"I am not getting any younger, and neither are you.
What say we make that a table for two?"

No that's not something I read somewhere. That's a thought that popped into my head after witnessing my youngest cousin's 4th birthday, another cousin's college farewell and my best friend's wedding.
While another cousin is planning a Christmas wedding and my parents recently celebrated 29 years of their marriage, the jolt of insecurity and the dreaded thoughts of eternal failure at relationships haunts me. Ergo, I hereby declare that yes, loneliness is definitely a bitch.

Now I realize that I am going overboard, and that too this close to a weekend, when I am normally the most amiable I can be.!

However, I can't help but feel that in this rat race towards a better career and a zillion achievements, the emotional connection and personal bonding is something we are losing out on...

In the rare instances that we manage to make that mythical Emotional 'click', we let ego come before honest, true-to-God confessions of love, and wait for the other person to make the first move. And in doing so, play endless games of quid-pro-quo and other attention seeking games that end up doing nothing but irritating the heck out of us!

Never realizing that in this loonnnggggg wait for the 'other person's step one', its only TIME that's really making the moves, and those ain't the slow kinds.

In a nutshell, are we, in the race to perfection in our professional lives, letting go of the Part - II of our lives? The part that makes life equally, if not more, worthwhile? RELATIONSHIPS?

Even if we are not, even if we are still out there, trying our damn best to establish these relationships, are we whiling away precious time in silly mind games? Time which would've been better utilized in getting to know each-other better?

Now before I elaborate, I am not talking about ONLY romantic liaisons here... When I say Relationships, I mean any damn relationship that exists in the world.
A blood relationship, friendship, student-teacher, mother-daughter, father-son... And then those lovey-dovey ones too, offcourse...

In all our lives, we must've had that one Relationship with someone who we swore we would never let go off...
Where the other person was the someone we truly loved, respected and trusted...
Someone we swore we would never give up on...

Yet, with Time being the bitch it is, with the occasional help by Distance, that person, and that relationship has lost the hold it once had on you.

And so it turns out, your BFF is someone you haven't spoken to in 10 years;

The teacher who pushed you to perform and applauded your success is now just another name in your Friends' list on Facebook;

Your cousin, whom you used to share clothes with while growing up, is now in a world of her own and someone you feel awkward talking to...

And above all, the person you clicked with, your soulmate, your dream, is now just another name on your BBM/Whatsapp contact list...

I don't know who's fault it was, Whether this was due to some constraint, time or otherwise, but some real beautiful relationships of mine ended pre-maturely, and I am none the wiser why...

And that makes me wonder how things would've been, and where I would've been... If only I had time, wisdom and YOU on my side!

And if any of the people listed above are reading this, I take this opporrunity to say "I am sorry!"

For being a bad communicator, an aloof person, a stupid, immature girl and a brainless zit of a teenager who did not realize your importance in her life...

Now that I've lost you,
and with the years I've been through,
I realize that with a lil more efforts,
and some heart-warming methods,
we could've still been a me and you,
Instead of 'oh he's a person I once knew'

So, More than anything else, this is a shout-out to four very important people...

One, I still care for you the very same way kiddo, and no matter what, that will never change.

Two, you may have started a new life and you maybe miles away, but you will always be the one person from Jaipur that I'll never let go off!

Three, you and your encouraging words have made me who I am today. I am sorry I was so inconsiderate to never ever thank you properly for everything you did to make me a better person. And I hope, in your heart, you'll forgive me someday!

And four, Oi! You! Yes you! With the funny habit of popping in and outta my life and my dreams...
There's still some time for us to give it one last shot...
Cuz there's this thread that binds us, a thread that some take a lifetime to unravel, but miraculously, we already have...
But this thread is slipping right through our fingers, and we ain't got much time left really...
After all, you never know when time really and truly runs out on the us... And this thread melts into infinity...

So one last time, with a lil over a month left.
Let me know what you really wanna do...

Yes, this is my way of finishing all my unfinished business,

So, what say, you? Should we try to start anew?

The journey called Life

The thought in your heart,
The feeling in your mind;
With each step you take forward,
You leave a piece of you behind.

Genuinely Fake?

In a world, or rather in an age, where First impressions often make or break the potential relationships we may share with people, cordial or otherwise, do we go out of our way to project ourselves as the ‘perfect’ strangers?

Now that is as controversial an opening I could have come up with. Right?

Having *just* experienced a successful MBA Entrance cycle, I have gone through a lot of ‘First Impressions play’ lately.

The excellent student, with a humane side, who is dedicated to the well-being of others…

The studious, hard working girl who managed to ace the CAT while working…

The extrovert future batchmate who *loves* organizing meets, taking discussions forward and making those funny comments…

Am I any of the above in particular? Nope. Not a single one.

Am I a blend of all of the above, with the habit of occasionally exaggerating a particular facet of my personality, as the need be? Yea well, you could say that.

And forget the MBA Entrance dance, don’t we all play up a part of our personalities during certain situations, even when in our heart, we know, we are not that person?

I can recollect a million instances when I have behaved as a mature 24 year old in front of relatives, saying ‘adult’ things, behaving all prim and properly, even when at heart, I would rather be chilling out, behaving like a kid, and just plain acting all immature? I mean, literally, I can see myself laughing at the douchebag I was projecting myself to be. Yet my relatives were all very proud to see my ‘maturity’

And all because I wanted to make a good impression. Sometimes for my sake, sometimes for my family’s.  

Before you go all ‘tch tch’ on me, lemme ask you, have you not done something similar or even worse? (over here, take a minute and think back to your last Job Interview, dinner with your spouse’s family, that date with the real hot chick, or even your doctor to whom you are scared to admit of the extent of your smoking addiction!)

Not tch tching anymore, are we?! :P

Coming to one recent encounter with the ‘other’ me, I met up with a few people who have known me for a long time now. No they are not family, and no they don’t exactly form Facebook’s new ‘Close Friends’ group. But yes, they have seen me as an awkward kid, a geeky teenager, and an elegant young adult [bwahahahahhahahahahahhaha elegant?!] Its fair to say that they have probably seen the non-political, honest-to-God side of me, more often than just once, and I need not be anything but myself in front of them.

Yet, when we got talking, I could see myself feeling flustered, looking for excuses and faking things. Saying things I don’t mean, not saying things that I believe in.

Not objecting to things they said that I felt were wrong, but staying mum and even nodding along.

This got me thinking, have we become so shallow that we are afraid that the real us is not good enough that we don’t even stand up for things that we believe in, even if have known the potential opposing forces for ages?

And more importantly, is this because we want to avoid conflicts, feel that opposing the other person just for the heck of it is not worthy enough, or because we feel ashamed of our REAL thoughts and beliefs?

And again, this post too exceeds the word limit I set out to, yet I have not even touched the real point….

Give me a few hours to organize my thoughts better, will be back, after a day’s break..!

Disclaimers ::

1.       Dear future college and present dream, don’t throw me out because of this.

2.       Dear ‘not close friends’ hope you never figure out who I am talking about

3.       Dear relatives, trust me I am just very occasionally immature. Mostly I am the mature, well behaved girl I seem to be.

4.       Sorry for not continuing my last post…

5.       I promise I will be back tomorrow…. Promise!

A walk down the memory lanes...

Well, so much for resolutions, and so much for strong will…. Right? Right?! WRONG!!! :P

[This was for all those who thought I would NOT actually stand by my word and go back on my resolution. You really thought it would be that easy, eh?!

And for all those who believed in me, there’s a pat waiting for your back [and a chocolate to top that :P] [wait, did I really use parenthesis IN a parenthesis?! [never mind]] ]

Anyway, getting to the point, how was Day 1?

First off, lemme tell you one thing first, I did not plan it, and I have not chalked out what I wanna do on each day.

Rather, I am gonna live the day out, with the thought at the back of my mind, and at the end of the day, I will reflect what exactly made the day worthwhile… This way, without the conscious *do good* attitude, I guess I will have a better chance at achieving realistic worthwhile moments..!

So day 1. Let’s see how that played out…

Well, to start with, it was a Lazy Saturday [Did I mention that such righteous experiments should NOT be started on Weekends?! BAD idea!!!] So I almost gave in to the thought of a chilled glass of Cold Coffee and a good book, with my faithful mp3 player plugged in.

But the thought of a long overdue task, and my best friends’ threat to kill me if I did not step out and look up something for her was a good enough impetus to step up and step out.

So I stepped out, and seeing the gorgeous weather Delhi has been experiencing in the last week, I decided against taking the metro. And being the miser I am, no auto-rickshaws either…

So no metro, no auto, but the rather ignored DTC buses.

And the icing on the cake? My destination :: the haloed sub-urbs of the colonial Delhi… Delhi 110001… [and whereabouts!]

To the uninitiated, I am talking about India Gate, Raisina Hill, Tolstoy Marg, Jantar Mantar, Janpath and at the end, Connaught Place…! [Bliss]

Again, this was not something I had planned to do, but boy was I happy I did!

I have been in Delhi for about 20 years now… and this city has made me who I am. The friends I have made, the experiences I have had, and the love this city has showered on me… well no other city can ever be as special to me as Delhi!

But on another note, even in these 20 years, I have never really explored the city much… Thanks to over protective parents and a less than luxurious pocket money.  So yes I have seen the clichéd destinations… the forts, the tombs, the temples, the parks and the over-hyped roads of Chandni Chowk, but not the off-beat destination like Hauz Khas and even Connaught Place and Janpath… These destinations have only showed up on my radar for the last couple of years, and that’s when the romance with Delhi really started…

So on the faithful Day 1, I took a bus on the Route 615 and here’s what followed…

As soon as I stepped on the bus, firstly, I was oh so impressed by the clean bus, polite staff and well-mannered co-passengers… Needless to say, probably I was lucky!

Got a window seat, and the sights I saw were honestly sights to behold!

En route, the first place of interest was the Safdarjung Airport. Ever since I got to know that this is where Sanjay Gandhi had his fatal accident in the 1980s, I have always found the place to be hauntingly empty. An Airfield that had served as the primary airfield for the British Empire during the World War II and was the primary airfield for Delhi till traffic was routed to Palam Airport in the 1960s, the vacant airfield, the unused air-strip and the unoccupied hangars talk of the majesty that the Airport once was, and the ruins it’s laid to now…

[FYI, the airport is now used as a landing strip for Political Dignitaries and was also used as a parking lot during the commonwealth games. *barf*]

Nonetheless, the Flyover over the air-strip gives a beautiful view of the Airport in its entirety, and I can almost picture a couple of small airplanes lining up for a take-off. With the sun playing hide-and-seek with the cloud yesterday, the sight was simply breath-taking and just gorgeous..!

[Cutting short the blog cuz this is getting way too long. Will continue tomorrow]